Finding Something Better: More than a Communion Meditation

This is the third time in the month of May I have misplaced my wallet. God used this time and gently tapped me on the shoulder and said slow down we need to reconnect. I slowed down spent time in prayer and mediation and then went about my day. Off and I on walked the same room searching for my wallet. As I searched I would find something else- Father's Day card a while back I forgot all about, Baby J's first class picture, a letter  my husband wrote to me about a year ago. Again God put his hands on my shoulder and said if you search you may fins something greater and better than what you intended.
This evening I took for a walk as usual only this time I was thinking of people who have touched my life and no longer on earth: Tanya, Ken, David, Brooks, Papa, Grandma/Grandpa Cooper. I usually don't have these ideas in my head but for some reason this is what came to mind.
When the kids and husband were all asleep I viewed my quiet with God so much differently tonight. The devotional question was, "Have you ever experienced a moment of intense sorrow? How does this feeling effect you physically/emotionally? Spiritually?"
Wow, God you have been preparing me for this quiet time all day.   As I read Mt. 26:36-45 and Mk 14:32-42
I picture Jesus in a familiar place with his friends. This is the place where they share wow moments/tell your mama jokes, and share highlights/downsides of their day. However, this usual place is not so usual anymore. Jesus pulls aside his best buddies and cries.
If you ever lost a close loved one its not just tears and sniffles... When I lost grandparents, close friends I sobbed and had a hard time catching my breath. Eyes, wet shirt, red face you could not hide the fact that you were crying.
In this passage Jesus is overwhelmed to the point of death. I picture Jesus face down surrounded by fresh olives hanging on trees and olives fallen on the ground. I see Jesus in fetal position crying outloud unable to control himself tears pouring down his face, his face is red, eyes are puffy, his hands are covered in tears/eyelashes, his nose is all runny, his legs are too weak to stand, and he is shaking like  a leaf. In the midst of the confusion, battle between human desires and desires of HIS father he cries out to God in between his sobs, in between wiping his nose/eyes and begs and cries for strength and guidance maybe even some kind of motivation to follow through what God has stored up for Jesus in these final hours. I would imagine Jesus said the same words over and over (maybe like some of us do when we mourn a love one).
I love Luke 22:43 "An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened HIM". Jesus went before God with tears/snot/sweat (not one bit attractive on the outside) knowing God would answer his cry for help.

I learned a lot from misplacing my wallet.. again: 1) When you search for something you are sure to find something better. If it were not for loosing my wallet I would not have slowed down... to spend extra minutes this morning preparing me for something greater this afternoon. 2) I really picked up on who cares about outward appearance in time with God its your heart that matters. God does not mind spending time with you in your PJ's and morning breath its your attitude in your heart that matters. 3) Know God will hear and answer your cry for help. I can see/hear Jesus calling out in a confused overwhelmed state of mind. Phrases may have been repeated, loud AAA with no verbal meaning but God understands hearts and answers our call for help.

Desperate calls and measures

For the past seven years my son has not eaten vegetables, fruits, or red meat. His last red meat was at age two when he used to like raviolis. Not sure what happen but at 30 months he would not touch anything green, red, or brown. He was to the point of only eating cereals and oatmeal for breakfast and then starving himself the remaining of the day unless chicken nuggets or grilled cheese was served. (I'm not the kind of mom that fixes a different meal for each person- get what I make or go hungry) That is exactly what my first son did for six moths until the doctor was going to hospitalize him for his weight. The doctor said feed the child whatever he wants but don't force him to eat. At age 4 he was still living on PBJ, grilled cheese, and chicken nuggets. The doctor said it was faze and would grow out of it around his 5th birthday.

My son is now seven and a half. We have been through three pediatricians not one of them checking his iron, heart valves, or sugar level... no matter how many times I asked. Finally I found a pediatrician who checked his iron and is monitoring his diet. My son is back on only foods I cook (chili, hamburger, chicken, and tuna sandwiches) and no tea/caffeine. So far in the past 50 hours he has eaten Kix cereal for breakfast, drank water, and a sip of juice, and taken his iron medication. Again we are not to fight to make him eat but just offer high iron foods to him.

As I was packing lunches for my family to take to Tulsa workshop I opened a can of pinto beans and mixed peanut butter in with the beans and used this substance (pinto beans/peanut butter) to create a high iron peanut butter sandwich. Will he eat it... I have no idea yet but anxious to fin out. As I was making this substance and smelling (not daring to taste it) to see if the color and smells blended in I thought, is this cruel to do my child? While talking to myself I came to the conclusion if I did not do this his anemia would only get worst. (yes, it took pediatrician #4 to take his blood and diagnosis him)

Knowing my child's diet effects his heart, activity level, emotional level, and blood cells I try not to let him see my fears and concerns but loving provide him with high iron meals and then sadly putting it all in the trash. I can't force my child to eat only encourage him.

I think this is what God saying to the broken world- I can't make you drink water that gives hope, eternal life, and bread that feeds a soul longing for rest and joy. God says my child it is here for whenever you want it and how ever much you want. God is not forcing his children to eat or drink (the word of God) but only placing and holding it their in front of us longing for us to take hold of the substance our souls long for.

My son does not realize his body needs iron, minerals, and vitamin C. As a parent I know what he needs and I know how he can get it but I can't force it on him. I have to wait patiently for him to come and take the his body needs and wait and wait... it's hard and I do concerns so out of desperate measure I mix pinto beans in a sandwich hoping to get the vitamins and iron he needs.

I can only imagine how much more God's heart is broken when his children don't eat/drink of the bread of life. God may have to provide experiences and challenging times to force us to eat of His food in order for us to live and breathe. God may not mix pinto beans into a PBJ or yellow corn into a grilled cheese sandwhich but He may take away some form of security to remind us to come and eat and the food HE has provided.

From Son up to son Down

From the time I wake up til my last son is in bed it is constantly mommy or Miss Kellie. My boys are sweet and demanding of attention, affection, and things cleaned. At work 20 4&5 yr. demands attention, affection, things cleaned, and conflicts resolved. I feel like a counselor, housekeeper, first-aide nurse, and teacher 24/7.

On Monday it was announced no school on Friday. Which meant all three boys in school and I actually had a day off. On Wed. it was posted that yes, we have a teacher work day 8-5. I was down and really excited about an actual day off. No matter how hard I tried to fight for the original day off it did not work. So off to dropping the boys off in the morning and going to work (no breakfast with hubby or trip to Tulsa as we planned on Tues.)

As I was driving home and saw a white tortilla (full moon: but Timothy calls them tortillas) I was reminded of God's amazing works and power. How God never slumbers, complains, is always at work. I am blessed the sun goes down and my sons go down. God never has a time when the sun goes down and never a time when his children are not demanding of affection, counsel, first-aid, a teaching, or resolving a conflict.

Father, may I have heart more like yours. May I not grow weary of taking care of my family, showing your love to other families, and not get tired of treasuring your precious gifts- small children. God you have entrusted with the lives of three boys and allowed me to influence 20+ others. God help me to be positive in a situation I am happy with. God give me insight how I can be more like you everyday.

I praise you for the children and so many extra things. I think about the schools in the Philippines how teacher would long to have extra food to serve to kids or cots to bleach. I think about the orphanage in Ethiopia where children would dream of having extra clothes so they would have to do laundry twice a week. I think about the streets in Mexico where parents work in the market and leave their children to play in the dirt. How these parents would love to drive their children to bus stops, basketball, attend school plays, and help them with spelling words. I think about the family in Hong Kong who could only feed a sick child out of a trash can at night who would long to have knowledge to share with their child and be able to feed the ducks with their child.

So while my Friday seemed really bummed I've asked for forgiveness in being so selfish and self seeking. God has given so much more and has blessed me in so many ways that I can manage the resources He has blessed me with (job, family, education, and Church home). God I thank you and praise you that you never sleep so you can teach me, counsel me, and resolve conflicts within me. I thank you and praise for your forgiveness and everlasting love.

Celebration of Life

The last week of Feb. I was able to attend my grandmother's 90th birthday! During her party (Sat. 2/25) I received word a close family friend died of a heart attack. Wow! How life has twists and turns. I remember hugging my grandmother good bye at Cell Phone Lot in New Orleans. My thoughts were I am going to cherish this moment and make this last since this may be the last word, last hug, and last sight of my grandmother. What a privilege it would be be see my grandmother in a few years, but no regrets if God decided to take her life.

On Tuesday evening a close friend of mine gave birth to a little boy 3lb. 7oz. The baby is fighting for his life in NICU. My friend was released from the hospital and went to stay in a hotel without her baby. She is waiting for a room at Ronald McDonald House to become available. God has a way of teaching us who is in control and not to put trust in hands that can be seen. I celebrate the life of this little guy knowing God has a plan.

On Friday 3/2, the same week I learned my brother-in-laws past mistakes caused him to go to jail until a court date. That court date will determine a sentence or bail. It's amazing how life just turns. One minute enjoying freedom with family the next minute in a jump suit and handcuffs with limited fresh air.

Later that same night my niece was traveling from Searcy, AR to Texarkana on I-30. She was in a very bad car accident and her close friend from college died. It's amazing how life takes it turns. One minute having fun with friends the next minute taken off life support and God takes your life.

As I reflect on the ups and downs of this week I am thankful for life and I can celebrate life with God and for God. I celebrate the precious time I have with family (not knowing if we'll see each other again on earth), I celebrate that God does not keep track of our wrong like warrants, past mistakes, I celebrate life with my own children and challenged to make the most of every minute with them. I celebrate the life of David Morley (1946-2012) and know that he has finished the race while keeping the faith (2 Timothy 4:7) and we can live on David's desire to know God and present the gospel to young/old and rich/poor. I celebrate that my niece is doing well physical and continue to encourage her spirit with loss of a friend. I praise God in the storm and

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Only way is up!

Know what I like most about being a housekeeper at a local college? I like my college ID which states faculty/staff. Ok, I admit I like reserved parking, parking next next to professors. What I like most is not being satisfied.... Working as a housekeeper I am reminded constantly of 4 specific things: (1) my identity is in Christ not how many BS, BA I have. (2) Always do your best no matter what (3) I am called to serve, outside of my comfort zone. (4) I am learning to be content with materials and hunger for spiritual. What's sad is that it has taken me almost 32 years to fully understand the Be Attitudes.

This past Friday I left work with 5 uniforms in hand for Housekeeping and a heart full of tears. It was bad enough having to carry around a toilet brush, mops, and brooms on campus... now we are having to wear these smocks/grubs nurse like things with "custodian services". I like my college ID which states faculty/staff. What I don't like is the title on these grubs. As I walked around with head hung low carrying these 5 smocks/grubs in my hand I had to constantly remind myself that my identity is in Christ, not the shirt I had wear on Monday. I looked at the style and the phrase "custodial services"... this is not me and this not where I want to be. I constantly told myself I'm not being what God created me to be, I'm living below God's standards and expectations. I was not living in His plan. That evening I did not go straight home. I walked around the block pouring my heart to God... God I learned humility, I learned service, and I learned my identity. What else is there? God I don't like that these shirts advertise what I am and what I do. I told God I was quitting my job and either going to Van Buren to teach or substitute teach here in town. The Holy Spirit gently whispered... quitting over a uniform..... ?absolutely!! I was told on the interview we would not have uniforms... I did not want smock/scrub I would stay if I was issued polo shirts or regular T-shirts. I told God how I hated having this title and wearing such pathetic looking smocks and I was not keeping this job. Again, the Holy Spirit gently tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, when Jesus was on the cross he had on a thorn of crowns, nails, and scraps of clothing... so because Jesus was dressed like a murderer, was He a murderer? When Jesus was in deepest darkest moment did he quit? Did he forget the promise that He would be resurrected. I gradually looked towards Heaven pouring my heart that I doubted Him and was more concerned about my titles/reputation than serving His children and taking this opportunity to provide for family. I continued my walk with God around the block. I shared my visions and dreams with God... how I wanted to get my MA in Elem education and MA in Christian Education and Phd in Rural Education. God gently reminded me of the professors in Austria and how even if I decided to teach at TCMi I would wash/dry dishes in the kitchen and even clean the toilets of the students. Even if I was a professor at Ozark Christian I would have to tear down my pride holy and completely. God gently reached down and directed the thinking of his child and taught me (5) just wear the name Christian from the inside out.... Just as a savior crucified on the cross does not make him a sinner, a smock with "Custodian Services" does not make me any less of God's child.

Sometimes you need to hit bottom so you look up to a friend to take your hand and pull you to higher grounds.

Meet me at the Cross

I remember my first trip to Disney World. My family was traveling for the first time on the tram. My dad told us to look down and point out the castle. If we ever got lost we were to meet at the castle. We all felt safe in this big new exciting place as we were able to explore and see a new world knowing how to get back home.

Years my brother got his driver's license he checked my sister and I out of elementary school to explore Manhattan, NY. We took the ferry across the harbor. My brother would point to the twin towers and tell us, if we ever got lost take the A C E train to the towers and we will meet. We all felt safe getting home in time before we were caught knowing we had a plan to get back home.

Tonight I took my 3 boys to a festival here in town. I showed them stage where to meet if we ever got split up. We were all doing good staying together until the last 45 min. of the event. My middle child walked off (not sure where or why). I checked our meeting point and no son. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours. I was so happy to see officers and volunteers. It was when one officer notified another officer across the field that my son was sitting under the first aide station with several other officers. My son explained that they would not let him on the stage but a nice lady led him to another safe meeting place. Once I had all 3 children back in my care we were all able to enjoy the festival. Later that same night we grabbed a bite to eat and again he left my sight. I grabbed him back and hoped to get the message across... stay together you could get hurt!

God has a wonderful family and he wants all his children to have a meeting place in case one gets lost. So many times we feel like we are walking close with God then something distracts us and we realize we are not with God or close to His family. God grabs us getting our attention and says meet me at the cross.

In my life time I have had several meeting places (park bench, a castle, twin towers, coke sign, letter in the parking lot). Like my son's case and the twin towers these meeting places are not always going to last and be available to catch up. Jesus is always available and Jesus is always trying to get our attention: my child stay close, stay together or will get hurt. Come to the cross and I'll meet you- my child.

In God's Tool Box

Have you ever taken the time to fix something? Maybe a bike, the breaks on the car, or a dorm room organizer. I think we have all taken the time and effort to fix something at one time. Why do we put time and energy into fixing these things? What is the value of this object? Obviously these things that we fix are worth our time and energy. If not then they are not important to us and we find no need for them.

As I was cleaning the college campus and reflecting on overall life. I was thinking of the lessons I learned in identity, what it means to humble yourself, and praising God by doing everything as working for God and not men. I stopped what I was doing and took a short break. I realized I was back on one of God's molding tools again. God is taking out for me. God is using his time and his energy to fix me and remind me how valuable I am to Him. He is taking time out to mold me, shape me, and better use me for work. Even though it is not fun being picked up and molded I praise God that he is using his time and energy on something valuable.